I was saved when I was five, and I can't remember a time, even before that, when I didn't love God. Of course, that is mostly due to the fact that I was blessed with church going, God-loving parents, who shared Jesus with me, but after I was saved, my love for Him naturally exploded, and I began seeking Him for myself. When I was about seven or eight, I started having my own quiet time (this was before I knew that such a thing already existed!), and my dad got me a journal -which I rediscovered the other day- to use during those times. I had forgotten just how sweet and childlike my love for, and faith in Jesus was until I read the entries, in all of their sloppy, miss-spelled simplicity.
The years between sixth and eighth grades, were full of me fighting a losing battle, against my awkward stage, and attempting to make myself like the other girls in my class, who seemed to have everything together. The journal that I kept during this time is a roller coaster of emotion; some days elated that this guy had said hi, or this friend had been nice, and others, sad, angry, and hurt over this person seeming to ignore me, or my sister being mean. (It gives me a headache to read it now!)
As hard as this time was, the time of real testing and turning came a couple of weeks after eighth grade ended, when things had begun to settle down, and I was finally creeping out of my awkward stage. I had been to my piano recital, and while my grandparents were talking to my parents in the dining room, my sister and I turned on a movie in the computer room. During one of the commercials I logged onto my email, to check it once more before bed, and there in my inbox was a message from the guy I had secretly had a crush on since I was seven, and he was asking me to be his girlfriend! I said yes.
He was really a wonderful, sweet guy, that respected me, and that I thought I loved. I began centering my little world around him. I would spend hours every day on the phone with him, and go to his house (yes his parents were there) every week or so, in addition to seeing him at church. About a year into our relationship, the Lord began to challenge me about the amount of time and energy I was investing in this guy. I started pushing away from the relationship a little bit, and trying to seek God's will, and I found it. I found it, but when God challenged me to break up with him and begin building my life around Christ I didn't want to obey. I fought His will for eight more miserable months, before I finally gathered the courage to break up with this guy, and I can truly say, I have never regretted it.
Since then, God has been faithfully teaching me how to build my life around Him, how to seek Him first, and above all else. Often, I push against His will, (as though I hadn't learned my lesson), and shrink from dying to my own dreams and desires, but He is so faithful, so, so faithful to me. Every day, through every decision, he is teaching and reminding me, that if I will lay my trust in Him, as I did when I was a child, then He will be all that I need. Oh, that I could ever think of doing anything but praising my faithful Savior. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
A Seal Upon My Heart.