Thursday, October 16, 2014

Why I Don't Really Want To Lose Weight.....

I bet I got your attention, didn't I?
After all, I'm a Beachbody coach.... and I'm on an active journey of losing weight and becoming healthier.
Yes, I just said I don't really want to lose weight....
What's up with that???
I am scared to really push through my workouts.
 Scared? Content? Not sure. I've been feeling lately that I really need to kick it up a notch and SOME moves are still honestly too much- for instance- those stupid Surrenders and some other moves rub my knees wrong- and I respect that and modify.
BUT....all in all, I'm not pushing myself to the max. I know it's time for Insanity (which I'm starting on November 3rd). I know it's time and I know/bet I could....
....but I still hold myself back.
I have been overweight my ENTIRE adult life- I struggled with being overweight (or so I thought) when I was younger. Looking at pics, I wasn't really overweight. Not like I am now. The smallest I remember being is a size 8- for my high school graduation- when I was dealing with eating disorders. I was a size 18 when I married. I weighed in the mid-200's when I had Mistic. I weighed 290 when I was pregnant with Aspen. I got down to a size 18/230-ish before I became pregnant with Isaiah. I've always felt "pretty good" with myself around the mid-200's mark. Not super happy, but not miserable like I was when I'm higher. I got up to 300lbs before.... not pregnant.... I started my journey back in March being in the upper 200s... 
And now.... now I'm close to my content weight.  My "happy" weight- so to speak.... I'm seeing the contentedness in how I feel and I know it's affecting my workout.
But I'm on the verge of blowing that number out of the water.... if I would just let myself.
I'm ready to really get serious. To become an athlete. TO dig deep and nail it. But something holds me back when it is actually time to workout.
I'm being brutally open here.... definitely out of my comfort zone?
Pounds and dress sizes shouldn't matter, but the intensity of my workout should. I'm tired of needing/using a modifier. I'm tired of the excuses.
It should be about being healthy. And I know I am not defined by my skirt size or the number on the scale.
But when I KNOW I'm holding myself back.... that's when I need to change my outlook.
Anyone else feel this way? Let's encourage each other to break out of our comfort zone and really step it up! Embrace the unknown and the newness of something we've never experienced... like being smaller, fitter, healthier....

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